The jury pool

There is a guy I know that was recently called to jury duty. I remember thinking “I’m glad he’s not on my jury…” I have known him many years, and I know he’s an idiot. He reads and believes every conspiracy theory on the internet, and also buys and tries every Tom-fool quack remedy and food supplement ever marketed. In short, he is a person without serious judgement.

So this got me thinking.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the people making up your pool of jurors:

Anti-vaccination woman doesn’t believe there are honest capable people doing science. She believes that ordinary people without training or education, exercising their “common sense,” are a more legitimate source of medical information.

Conspiracy theorist guy will refute any claim made by any expert based on his reading of internet chat sites, fan-based fiction, or security analysts. His primary source of information is anyone who claims to have secret knowledge.

The surly girl without her phone will at least ensure that deliberations are short. Without the i-umbilical, she cannot really decide anything.

Doomsday prepper knows that it won’t matter what he decides. He knows that everything the case is about will be swept away by ravening hordes of zombie atheists intent on seizing his cache of food and weapons.

That guy that can’t stop talking about sports isn’t really impressed unless you can present statistics going back 100 years.

That girl that can’t stop talking will annoy the other jurors so much that the defendant will likely get convicted from pique.

Gaming nerd will analyze all the defendants, lawyers, clerks, and judges. Their abilities will be charted out on cards, played out in head to head battles, and decided by chance with dice. If the defendant is a woman, she will be guilty.

The “that’s what she said” and “know what I mean” guys won’t be able to take any of it seriously.

Fox News believers will have difficulty convicting white Christian men. For everyone else, there won’t be any problem.

If you are wondering about your chances, and let’s all hope you never have to find out, remember that your fate will be decided by the guys you share the road with

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8 Responses to The jury pool

  1. LG says:

    I have a serious problem with a jury based judiciary. You can only hope that the judgement averages out eventually. In a country like India jury based judiciary would NEVER work.

    Long time….good to see your post.

  2. My brother, who believes a zombie apocalypse is imminent and has bought military-style packaged meals (along with an arsenal of weapons) in preparation thereof, has been called to jury duty twice. He’s always gotten out of it however because his stated beliefs are so bizarre, even attorneys are afraid of him.

    I haven’t believed in the jury system since the OJ trial. Actually the Rodney King trial pretty much flipped that wagon off its wheels. Attorneys like their juries stupid and gullible. Until they figure out a way to choose jurors who are both neutral and intelligent, the trial system is screwed.

    • Doug says:

      If the idiots would just cancel each other out we could remain afloat, but we definitely are listing to port…

  3. My wife – who takes 20 minutes to order a meal off a menu and is easily swayed by anything anyone suggests (other than me) – has been on a jury. I never have. And I’m glad.

    I also remember reading that in the height of all the CSI TV show craze, district attorneys were upset that if there wasn’t DNA evidence (whether it actually applied to the case or not) they could not get a conviction. Too many, “I’m not a lawyer but I watch all the law shows and should have an honorary degree” type people.

  4. kimkiminy says:

    I found out the hard way at the age of 14 that the justice system is fucked. At least I got that one out of the way early.

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